me
by MadRiver
Summary: thoughts during a critical time
1. me

I just don't know. This is really weird and I didn't know what to do with it after I wrote it so I decided to post it and see what other people thought, so please tell me what you think.  
  
Disclaimer: if you're dumb enough to think I own anything, then this story is probably going to go over your head.  
  
"Me"  
  
PG13 (I think it should be PG but I don't want to risk it :shrugs:)  
  
Mad River  
  
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Tendrils of darkness seep through the cracks beneath my door. Sinewy tentacles of burning despair which I will embrace without qualms.  
  
Nothing else compares to the eerie calmness the nothingness brings. I rejoice as the strands glide over the plushy white carpet overcoming the plain ordinary fabric and turning it into a pool of endless black, on closer inspection realizing that only blood could look that empty while traveling the expanse of time and space.  
  
You would think that by now I would be recoiling back, enfolding my frame into a protective cocoon underneath the bed sheets in a fruitless attempt to fend off the oncoming assault upon my senses. But I know this. This is me.  
  
My being craves the icy fingers that slowly trail up my legs, unwittingly caressing my trembling limbs with indifferent precision. I wish it could be different, but I know better. It's just me.  
  
Solace is all I can offer without care to my quivering heart. I must not ponder on what it means; I must not ponder on what could be. So I yield. I embrace the darkness, I know better but that's just me.  
  
Ripples of feeling run down my spine as I move to accommodate and I'm rewarded as the encompassing presence covers me the way it did the forgotten carpet and, as I open to the invasion, my shadow comes into being as its coldness is replaced by my warmth.  
  
I will not be turning the darkness away, not tonight. Not when the need leaves me breathless and aching for more. I grasp it and hold it to my breast; solace is something I can give. I'm human; solace is my area of expertise.  
  
Feeling is all I can reach and comprehend as my comfortable heat lights a fire that envelops, burning away the cruel reality, offering nothing but the moment and yet giving me the world. Hot, so hot. Silly and stupid but mine nonetheless. My emotions. It's still only me.  
  
And as the crescendo finally spills over, I can breathe once more. But it's only my delusions, since it leaves me yet again.  
  
Satisfied yet longing for more, but not daring to tempt fate. That's my curse. I'm worthy but still not good enough.  
  
Come back, please. Don't leave me. Light has yet to come and turn you away.  
  
Hope is dashed. It always is. I'm such a fool. I can't deny it anything.  
  
It will come again.  
  
Tomorrow.  
  
With twilight.  
  
I will welcome it.  
  
I always do.  
  
Like a moth to a flame.  
  
Simply me.  
  
Justified.  
  
Always me.  
  
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I'm really curious to find out what you guys thought of this. I know it's kind of silly, but I'm experimenting with some different styles of writing and I want to see how I do with angst. I know I haven't posted stories on this site to be known widely and recognized with a certain style, but I do write and trust me when I say, this is different. Please review.  
  
Mad River 


	2. YOU

::shrugs:: another bout of silliness… but for clarifications sake, this story is just thoughts. Have you ever noticed that when we are troubled by something, our thoughts aren't exactly that of a sane person? Maybe it's just me. Our consciences and our hearts battle things out when we want something and know we shouldn't and unbidden thoughts surface during this struggle. That's all this is. 

Or, this story could be the result of my fried brain after finals… haven't decided yet.

Disclaimer: don't own.

me

Chapter 2: YOU

Pg13

Mad River

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A magnet. That's what it is. It pulls me in, reeling my body into its depths and sinking its jaws until I know no more, only its substance.

I hate it. I hate it, but the more I fight it the more I'm glued to its being.

Light. Light that hurts my eyes and burns my skin. I want to hide. I need to hide. Move away from the unforgiving rays that threaten to consume what I am, and came to be.

I don't want the change. It is not in me. Perhaps if it was born of me, I would be more willing to accept it. But it isn't, so I don't.

All the same, I slither through the shadows avoiding detection. Always around, but never seen.

Even as I recoil and struggle to turn away I'm already there, eagerly slipping inside, no trail left for anyone to follow.

I hate you. 

I despise you as you look upon me, your eyes driving away my doubts even as I battle to cling to them. 

I abhor you as you yield to me, giving up yourself just so that I can know peace.

I don't need you, but I crave you… and for that I loathe you even more.

Don't receive me with such willingness! 

Turn me away! 

YOU!

You that give me strength! Strength that I revile because it comes from you! Spurn me now!

_Don't Drive me away…_

Don't shine on me!

Damn the _heat_! And damn _you_!

YOU and your myriad of colors! 

Envy of the rainbow!

Chase away my demons…

_Take away my pain_

So beautiful…

Hated symphony of melodious kaleidoscope.

Overtake you. 

Overwhelm you so you can't live without me.

You will crave me as I do you!

I will become the air you breathe!

I am your sustenance!

_Please… let me in…_

Coveted weakness… you tremble and I … 

I die.

I welcome it and know no more…

_More…_

_More…_

You don't know it… 

_I have already surrendered_

I'm fighting a battle already lost.

I've never been happier to give up. To know the bittersweet taste of defeat…

_Have it…It's all yours!_

You don't know it… yet, but before you gave yourself 

_I was already yours…_

Don't look so sad. 

I leave because I already care.

The change is not mine; 

I still don't want it.

I'm not ready

_Don't hate me…_

_Please_

**Never**

_You…_

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Please review…

Mad River


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